Published on Sivanaspirit.com
Rewind to November 2015; my life for the previous 6 months had felt like I was dipping my toe into living a life that felt authentic.
I had quit my job in London and moved to Cornwall, a beautiful coastal, rural part of England where I was freelancing and doing a little bit of my ‘own thing’ on the side.
I was back by the ocean and had left crowded, depressing London tube commutes behind me, yet the work I was doing as a freelancer made me feel as alive and excited as a sack of sand.
The office I worked in was as cluttered, dingy and chaotic as the company itself, and every time I pulled up in my car in the morning I had to take a deep breath to prepare myself to go in.
I had moved away from my life and job in London to get away from the bureaucracy and materialism, yet there I sat in an office that felt like it was from the 1980s yearning for ambition and spirit.
I started to feel like maybe the grass was just greener, on either side.
But then something happened. The company I was freelancing for made me redundant.
I was sitting in the office on my own when I received an email delivering the news of the ceasing of my job – because the music was too loud in McDonalds, where the company owner was eating her breakfast, for her to call!
Initially, I felt a rise of panic.
A veil of fog descended so I couldn’t see; how was I going to pay my rent, what was I going to do, what the hell was I doing with my life, I was screwed.
I cried. I called a friend. Then I took myself off to a café to grab a nice coffee and prepare myself to look for jobs.
I opened up Guardian Jobs and started to set my search criteria, but as I did I could feel my heart sinking further down the sack of sand that was my body.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it right then so I thought I’d distract myself by finishing off the last paragraph in my plan for my ‘own stuff’.
Then I was stopped in my tracks. It was literally as if someone turned the lights on, the fog lifted, the sack of sand turned back to my body with a working, beating, electric heart.
In that split second of opening up the document that housed my dream and passion, my mind, body and spirit came alive.
Since then, I have made it the centre point in my life.
I have moved into a shed (literally!), sold nearly all of my belongings including my car and put my house up for sale.
I literally can’t afford to buy food some days, but I can wholeheartedly tell you that the grass is lush, vibrant and as green as it can be right here.
I was trying to do a job and live a life that didn’t feel authentic, and I was trading one side of the fence for the other not realizing I could have both if I just took the fence away.
I left London because I knew I need to be by the ocean and in wild open spaces only to be by the ocean and in wild open spaces to do a job that didn’t make me come alive.
Both times I stood on either side of the fence looking at what I had on the other side.
‘Living’ my dream, ‘doing’ my passion seemed impossible and not an option.
Finding excuses for why it wasn’t the right time, I’ll do it one day when X, Y, Z, I can’t afford to do it right now, etc.
But those excuses were my fence!
Take those away and suddenly everything feels as it should be.
There are things I don’t have, some days are really hard and being broke is tough, but it is outweighed by the feeling in my heart and the belief and trust that it will work out.
If you feel like the grass is always greener, take some time to figure out what excuses your fence is made of; tackle them one at a time, peel them away and give yourself permission to be yourself and live a life that feels utterly authentic.
The fence – your excuses – are created by you, your own mind and only you.
When I had that moment of realisation back in that café in November, a song called Healah Dancing by Keaton Henson came on.
Sitting there, looking out to the ocean, feeling my heart working in my chest again, I could do nothing but listen.
It moves me to tears every time I hear it still.
It says to me, “You can do it. It will be tough, it won’t work out as you imagine. But it will work out. Be brave.”
Follow your intuition, listen to and allow your body, mind and spirit to guide you towards a life aligned to what feels authentic for you, and you’ll realise, the grass is exactly as it’s meant to be right beneath your feet.