I love the changing of the seasons and Autumn feels very much like a season of paradoxical change, of light and shade. A chance to enjoy the last few moments of basking in the memory of the summer sun whilst also offering opportunity for release and renewal before the hibernation of winter sets in.

The symbolism of the trees shredding their leaves as part of the cycle of renewal offers us wisdom to reflect on, of what perhaps we too could let go of. Watching the grace of each leaf as it falls, I find a sense of beauty and comfort in the effortlessness of this letting go. The tree doesn’t hold on or mourn the loss of its’ summer growth, it trusts and knows it will transform once again.

It feels as if we too go through seasons of renewal. Life is a constant cycle of growth and change which requires letting go in order to grow or move forward. Yet in our world importance always seems to be placed on growth, with little value on the essential rest or release as part of any cycle of change.

It also seems that so many of us seem to live in the space in between where we are right now and where we know we could be. We hold on to the past, yet seek to be in the future to have, do, be more, to be our “best selves”. Perhaps that seeking is just really a search for a sense ease or freedom – a delusion that when I reach this, get that, do this, feel that – I will be free.

When we are living in that space we often experience tension, frustration, lack or even excited anticipation but whatever it is, always seems to be exhausting.

To add a layer of frustration perhaps we know what serves us, what we need to let go of, what habits contribute to our health and happiness and those that don’t, but we just can’t seem to do that thing we know will serve us. And so, add a layer of condemning ourselves for not being what we know we can be, on top of all that too.

I was reminded recently of an old, well rehearsed story of mine personally, one that I carried around with me for most of my life – that I am not enough.  I don’t try enough, give enough, do enough, make enough effort, I’m not good enough.

I experienced a trigger for that feeling but for first time ever I was able to witness the feelings as it arose. For the first time ever there was space around the feeling, a separation between the feeling and what I know to be true – I just am. I am trying my best.

Along with that, I found a deep acceptance in the realisation that no matter how hard I try, for some, it won’t ever be enough. Yet to others, me simply being me is enough in it’s simplest form.

The difference perhaps between calling someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and receiving the greeting –  ‘You haven’t call me in ages’ or a sarcastic tone to ‘oh so you are alive then’. Verses a genuine ‘Oh my goodness it’s so good to hear your voice – how are you?’.

It was a realisation that the difference between the example has very little to do with our actions or non-actions but everything to do with the person who’s offering then.

My recent experience, although sharp and painful in it’s happened, also offered me a moment of clarity; that I am not my feelings. The true ‘I’ is the witness to them. It is only my ability to witness my growth, to perceive my reality, to take things personally, to hold on to what is ready to be released that separates me from the tree (in a sense). It is only through the complication of perception that I might feel any sense of lack, of not being enough, or to allow the words or actions of others to make me feel that way. The tree is just a tree, being a tree. As I am just a human, being very much, human!

In one of my favourite books ‘The Four Agreements’, one of the agreements (codes of conduct or understandings for spiritual and emotional freedom) is ‘don’t take things personally’.  So I set a silent agreement of my own. Relinquish the trying. To give myself permission to let go. To watch the feelings of worth, or lack of, as they arise but instead to wrap the those feeling in love and bring them into the light, instead of believing, fighting, ignoring or indulging in them as I had done before.

An agreement to allow the leaves to fall.

Meditation teaches us to come fully into the body and into our breath. In that space of rest we can find a space of ease and wholeness. An opportunity perhaps to remember how far we’ve come and how much we have achieved already, that any moment is just a moment in our cycle for our ever changing lives. In the space of rest we simply are as we are, not impatiently seeking a sense of freedom or ease in the future, but finding it right there in that moment.

Meditation teaches us to rest in the space between joy and sorrow, between light and shade, control and surrender. Like the paradoxical season of opposites we are entering right now, there is both growth and release to be found in any moment.

And when we realise this, we realise then we are not lost, broken or lacking. We are neither worthy or unworthy, we just are – we’re human! Mistakes mean we’re trying. The responses of others says more about them than about us. We can choose to release our grip on the need for external validation, let it float away like the autumn leaves, create space for the new to emerge.

I stumbled across a Buddha quote that feels so right for now, for Autumn ‘Go easy on yourself. Whatever you do today, let it be enough’.

So, my reminder to self this week is – ‘As I am. Let it be enough’.


Poem by Nayyirah Waheed

“As you are” says the Universe

“After” you answer

“As you are” says the Universe

“When” you answer

“As you are” says the Universe

“How” you answer

“As you are” says the Universe

“Why” you answer

“Because you are happening right now.

Right now.

Right at this moment.

And your happening is beautiful.

The thing that both keeps me alive and brings me to my knees.

You don’t even know how breath taking you are.

As you are” Says the Universe.

As You are.