{"id":62,"date":"2017-02-03T14:21:50","date_gmt":"2017-02-03T14:21:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.horizoninspired.co.uk\/?p=62"},"modified":"2017-06-22T09:21:43","modified_gmt":"2017-06-22T09:21:43","slug":"exposing-myself-and-what-happened-next","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.horizoninspired.co.uk\/2017\/02\/03\/exposing-myself-and-what-happened-next\/","title":{"rendered":"Exposing Myself (And What Happened Next)"},"content":{"rendered":"
Usually when I sit down to write a blog, I have a good idea where it\u2019s gonna go, but today I actually have no idea. I just know I need to put pen to paper.<\/span><\/p>\n The last few weeks have been intense and since the start of the New Year, it has been non-stop. Busy with work, the start of a new side project called Soul Gathering in the City and an intense and emotional (and somewhat overdue) conversation with a family member. Generally, things have been moving at a million miles an hour and some of those things have been way out of my comfort zone.<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love that pace and I am really, really grateful for all the above. But right now it feels different; like I\u2019m caught in limbo.<\/span><\/p>\n Where I am right now is genuinely a manifestation of a three year journey since quitting my job and travelling to Mexico to reconnect with myself; to remember what I was good at, what I enjoyed, what made me, me.<\/span><\/p>\n I was living a life before then that was aligned only to what I thought I \u2018should\u2019 be doing and life choices that looked like they worked so well for everyone else. I walked blindly down the rabbit warren until eventually I burnt out, quitting everything and running to the other side of the world to work with horses (a childhood passion), live off grid and take a big gasp for air.<\/span><\/p>\n My life has changed beyond recognition since then as has the way I feel in myself. But sat here now, it feels like I\u2019m almost at the end of that cycle and about to start a new one; it just requires me to step up.<\/span><\/p>\n I love my life and am I doing what I love with every ounce of my being. I truly feel, for the first time, that I am living an authentic life. I often find myself driving along to a class, a meeting or to the shop to buy groceries for a retreat and squeeling out loud \u2018I LOVE MY LIIIIIFEEEE.’<\/span><\/p>\n I have made peace with my childhood and my past, made peace with fear, made peace with the shackles of \u2018should\u2019, with who I am and what makes me happy, but there is something still to address and right now it feels like the hardest thing of all; my relationship with myself.<\/span><\/p>\n I wholeheartedly love my <\/span>life<\/span><\/i>, but can I say I wholeheartedly love my <\/span>self<\/span><\/i>? And if the answer is no (and the answer is no) then how then can I really give the best of myself to my work, my relationships and to the life that I love?<\/span><\/p>\n Intellectually, I know I am worthy of love, I deserve love and to become who I can be but I know through self observation and reflection, that self love and worth has always been my challenge.<\/span><\/p>\n What recent events have unearthed is the realisation that somewhere deep down, there is an ego root so attached to staying small, so attached to a lack of self-worth, to a feeling that is accompanied with a voice reminding me \u2018who do you think you are\u2019 that it feels like I am unable to step forward. I just need to do it, but I can\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n This time last year, I couldn\u2019t even write a facebook status about my business idea, but with the encouragement of a friend, I eventually did. I felt exposed and had an attack of the ego almost immediately after (sweaty palms\/what will people think\/who do I think I am?) before finding a peace with myself and those doubts.<\/span><\/p>\n Then next came sharing my writing through publishing blogs (my writing is shit\/people are going to mock me\/what are they saying behind my back? Who cares what I have to say anyway?)<\/span><\/p>\n Then last week I stepped up to the next level when I sat with two amazing women on a stage to speak my truth to a room full of people. My face and my voice with nothing to hide behind. Me, exposed.<\/span><\/p>\n I rode a wave of self doubt after that night and almost immediately slipped back into unconscious habits \u2013 \u2018Who was I to be sat there? Was what I said even helpful to others?Did I come across as arrogant?\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n The days after saw me reverting back to an old ego habit of trying to rearrange external parts in order to fix a feeling of inner unrest, clutching at or rejecting people or activities in an attempt to sooth the unconscious sense of lack – my lack within me.<\/span><\/p>\n A week has now passed, the adrenaline has settled, I\u2019ve chewed the fat with a trusted friend, prioritised time for meditation and mindful practices which has led me to see clearly again and I know now that the only way to move forward, is to step forward.<\/span><\/p>\n So last night, sat by the fire, I got out a giant sheet of card and a pot full of coloured pens and scribbled. Scribbled down my goals and purpose for Horizon Retreats, reminding myself of my \u2018why\u2019. Scribbled a list of daily personal actions I know to do to keep my mind balanced, body active and healthy and soul fulfilled and happy, along with my hopes, dreams and intentions.<\/span><\/p>\n I took a long bath, cooked myself a delicious dinner and presented it beautifully on a plate as if I would to a guest of honour.<\/span><\/p>\n I lit a candle and meditated to the crackling of the fire. I repeated affirmations of self-worth and self-love.<\/span><\/p>\n When talking to a friend about all this the other night, they asked \u2018are you ready?\u2019 and at the time I couldn\u2019t answer.<\/span><\/p>\n But sat here right now, I not only understand on an intellectual level, but I accept on the deepest level that self worth is not found in a person, place, job or activity. It is found within, and perhaps most importantly, the only thing that\u2019s holding me back from loving and valuing myself, is me.<\/span><\/p>\n So right here, right now, I decide – I am ready. I surrender and I choose love.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Usually when I sit down to write a blog, I have a good idea where it\u2019s gonna go, but today I actually have no idea. I just know I need to put pen to paper. The last few weeks have been intense and since the start of the New Year, it has been non-stop. Busy […]<\/p>\n