It has been a while since I have shown up authentically on the page, publicly. What I mean by this is sharing my true voice and musings intimately with you.
Sharing messy, true, and unedited musings is where this whole thing started. Blog writing was the very start of Horizon Inspired. It is funny to think how different life was when I wrote my very first blog. I was on a beach in Costa Rica with a travel journal full of a secret dream of being a writer. A few years later, that blog turned into regular blog posts, published on my website, which turned into writing blogs for just about any blog site that’d have me. All for free, of course. I write about the experience of when the first “big” blog site published one of my articles in my new book Your Manifesting Year (so I’ll leave that story for there!). I was writing because I loved it. I was writing because it is what I have always done (in secret until then). I was writing because it felt good and right. As most of you know, blogs turned into articles in magazines. Magazine articles turned into a little self-published pocketbook. Then, through synchronicity, relentless hard work and a big sparkly stream of luck, that all turned into my first published book – Your Spiritual Almanac – which was published in September 2021.
Back in the early days, I used to hover over Instagram captions for hours – heart pumping, palms sweating – before publishing them. I’d experience the same somatic response when sharing those early blogs too, but sometimes the hesitation might last days, or even weeks, before clicking ‘publish’. The fear of sharing my true voice was paralysing. Fear of criticism, fear of judgement/mocking/rejection and not being good enough, had kept me quiet for many, many years. I worked though this fear simply by remembering my intention, and when I started to receive emails from people, often who I had never met, saying thank you for sharing – the more I got out of my own way and let the truth and the words pour through. It’s just like anything; the more you do something the easier it becomes.
I doubt anyone has noticed the frequency of my blog posts slowing down, from regular to – non-existent. The last blog I published on my website was 7 months ago! The same with my Instagram shares. I used to share my musing on Instagram regularly but now a month might pass before I share my next minimal post. Granted, I have been busy writing Your Manifesting Year, and working on many other things, but I actually think I have used those things as pegs on which to hang my excuses.
If I’m being completely honest with you, I haven’t been sharing because I was paralysed again. Not explicitly or in anyway that felt damaging. Rather, subconsciously attempting a stealth retreat to the back of the crowd. Do be do. Recognising this simply revealed deeper layers for me to work though, to repair my fractured sense of self-worth. A lifelong journey for me, perhaps, to realise I deserve a seat at the table, it is safe to be seen and as I am is enough
In all honesty, having a book published – my dream manifested – sharing my creative voice very very publicly, was terrifying. Old stories of ‘who am I to be…’, along with fear of being seen or rejected, and comparing myself with other authors with enormous followings and celeb contact lists that I don’t have, clouded my mind. I caught myself focusing more on the 1% of 1* reviews on Amazon more than the 80% of 5* reviews.
When I am writing – anything – I am in flow. I love it so SO much. Writing books especially is where I feel most at home, filled with a sense of purpose and drive. I haven’t yet experienced a single day of resistance when writing a book – instead, I wake up every day filled to the brim with gratitude and excitement to arrive at the page again to see what wants to be written. It’s just the bit that comes after – the ‘promotion’ and the moment it is released into the world – when the old stories silently seep through the cracks and obscure my vision. The voice of ego encouraging me to shrink into the background because it’s safer there.
Manifesting is a practice of self-enquiry and healing, and this realisation is every bit of a part of my healing journey… and my manifesting practice! Manifesting is not about getting what you want per se, being in control of every aspect of your life. It is about finding ways to feel good in the moment, having a clear intention, trusting and surrendering to flow in your life, remembering you are supported by the universe, being grateful for it all and getting out of your own way. It is through this state of being we find want we want becomes available to us. In order to do this we must do the inner work to reveal the layers of self-protection (and sabotage), so we can live a full and aligned life. It is about recognising these little nuanced ego patterns that every human on the planet has, patterns which shape our perception and realities whether we are aware of them or not. The practice is to intentionally return to presence and consciously choose where you place your next step (or thought) in the direction of love.
The timing and synchronicity of writing ‘Your Manifesting Year’ was pure MAGIC in itself! (It had to be, didn’t it really). I hope this playful little book brightens peoples lives, inspires and empowers them to know they can achieve their dreams, and they can feel good. My intention for Your Manifesting Year is that it does do well, that it is seen and received well, and with love. Therefore, in order for that to manifest it requires me to lovingly, gently and tenderly peel that layer of self-protection away, so to not shrink or hide in the back of the room but instead to steadily step out, truthfully and more authentically than I have ever before, starting right now.
Where are you keeping yourself small? What would happen if you got out of your own way? Shall we do it together?!
If so – deep breath, baby. Lets do this!